August 9, 2015

Rock Bottom

There is a disease I suffer with called depression. I usually feel like I have a handle on it without medicine, I feel mentally strong. There are other times however, like now, that I struggle with it more than ever.

I aways feel like right as I get a handle on life, on being happy, it sets in again. It sets in that my life is not what I wish it were. I have chronic migraines, wich I feel like are possibly connected to my depression, my depression causes me to lose all motivation, which causes me to be over-weight, which causes my depression to become worse. It is a never ending vicious cycle.

I want more than anything to be able to give all of this to God and let Him guide me through. And I do, but then I take it back. I do that constantly. I give it all up and tell God to please take all of these things from me, to please heal my depression, and my migraines, and to please help me lose weight and get healthy. For me, for my family, for my future. Then I take it back (unintentionally). I have always felt like I bear all of life's burdens on my own. I have always tried to shield my family from my burdens, when in all reality, that's what family is for. To help you shoulder those things so they don't break you down.

God wants me to give Him these things and stop taking them back. He wants me to rely on my family and Him. Especially now, when I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I am in constant turmoil, emotional pain, physical pain, and I am struggling so much spiritually. I saw a picture a couple of days ago that really got me thinking. It said "I want the presence of God or I don't want anything at all to do with religion... I want all that God has or I don't want any.". That's how I feel about it. I really do want everything that God has to give me, to bless me with. I will never have that in my current state of mind. I will never have that until I humble myself at His feet and give Him everything I have. Which in all reality, isn't much, but it is all that He asks.

Deep down, I know HOW to do it. I know exactly WHAT I need to do. Actually doing it though? That is so hard to completely give up everything that makes you comfortable, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am comfortable with my depression, and my fat. It's all I've known. I have had depression for the past 12 years, and I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I don't really remember what it was like to be truely happy. I know my parents tell me that before the depression, I always had a smile on my face and I was a complete joy to be around. I wish I could go back to that, for them, and for me. As comfortable as the suffering is, I think happiness, and I mean TRUE happiness, would be even better.

I WANT to lose the weight, I want to be in a single size pants, I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be completely disgusted by what I see. I want all of these things, and I am willing to work for them, but I am so, absolutely scared of it. I'm scared that I will still hate what I see when I look in the mirror, I'm scared that I will still feel repulsive. I'm scared that even being skinny, and healthy will not help my self esteem and happiness level.

This is complete honesty, this is complete openness, and this is complete rock bottom for me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I'll close with this. I can't do this on my own. I can't even draw my next breath on my own. I can't stand on my own. I am on my knees again tonight, giving it all to God. Giving it to Him all over again, in hopes and prayers that this time will be the time I leave it all at His feet.

Not I, but Christ.

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