August 9, 2015

Rock Bottom

There is a disease I suffer with called depression. I usually feel like I have a handle on it without medicine, I feel mentally strong. There are other times however, like now, that I struggle with it more than ever.

I aways feel like right as I get a handle on life, on being happy, it sets in again. It sets in that my life is not what I wish it were. I have chronic migraines, wich I feel like are possibly connected to my depression, my depression causes me to lose all motivation, which causes me to be over-weight, which causes my depression to become worse. It is a never ending vicious cycle.

I want more than anything to be able to give all of this to God and let Him guide me through. And I do, but then I take it back. I do that constantly. I give it all up and tell God to please take all of these things from me, to please heal my depression, and my migraines, and to please help me lose weight and get healthy. For me, for my family, for my future. Then I take it back (unintentionally). I have always felt like I bear all of life's burdens on my own. I have always tried to shield my family from my burdens, when in all reality, that's what family is for. To help you shoulder those things so they don't break you down.

God wants me to give Him these things and stop taking them back. He wants me to rely on my family and Him. Especially now, when I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I am in constant turmoil, emotional pain, physical pain, and I am struggling so much spiritually. I saw a picture a couple of days ago that really got me thinking. It said "I want the presence of God or I don't want anything at all to do with religion... I want all that God has or I don't want any.". That's how I feel about it. I really do want everything that God has to give me, to bless me with. I will never have that in my current state of mind. I will never have that until I humble myself at His feet and give Him everything I have. Which in all reality, isn't much, but it is all that He asks.

Deep down, I know HOW to do it. I know exactly WHAT I need to do. Actually doing it though? That is so hard to completely give up everything that makes you comfortable, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am comfortable with my depression, and my fat. It's all I've known. I have had depression for the past 12 years, and I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I don't really remember what it was like to be truely happy. I know my parents tell me that before the depression, I always had a smile on my face and I was a complete joy to be around. I wish I could go back to that, for them, and for me. As comfortable as the suffering is, I think happiness, and I mean TRUE happiness, would be even better.

I WANT to lose the weight, I want to be in a single size pants, I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be completely disgusted by what I see. I want all of these things, and I am willing to work for them, but I am so, absolutely scared of it. I'm scared that I will still hate what I see when I look in the mirror, I'm scared that I will still feel repulsive. I'm scared that even being skinny, and healthy will not help my self esteem and happiness level.

This is complete honesty, this is complete openness, and this is complete rock bottom for me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I'll close with this. I can't do this on my own. I can't even draw my next breath on my own. I can't stand on my own. I am on my knees again tonight, giving it all to God. Giving it to Him all over again, in hopes and prayers that this time will be the time I leave it all at His feet.

Not I, but Christ.


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April 23, 2015

Big Move

Good grief, it has been a while. A lot has happened since my last post. I got moved to a new job with the same company in July, about an hour away from home. My brother in law got offered a promotion at work that would move him, my sister (best friend), and my 2 nieces to Plano, TX. That is about 850 miles away from our little hometown here in Southeast TN. My heart was absolutely broken that I was "losing" them. It was the hardest thing I've done in a while, saying bye to them as they were leaving. I was hugging my sister and telling her bye while I was squalling, and my oldest niece, E.A, walked by and said "Mommy, Sarah don't feel good. Her's crying." I broke down all over again. When I was hugging the girls, and telling them bye, they both looked at me like I was crazy for crying like that, especially A.B., the baby.

I have been telling my mom, for as long as I can remember, that I wanted to live in TX. I talked to my sister and brother in law about moving with them in December, which, I did not do. I worked a while longer and decided that I would move in March. So I put in my 2 weeks notice at work and made a leap of faith. I moved to Texas like I had always dreamed about. It was my first time moving further than about a half a mile from my parents. I had never even been away from home for longer than a week, and that was just for a vacation. By the end of that vacation, I was so home sick and ready to be home.

I'm not sure what I was thinking, moving me and Opie 850 miles away, to a 1000 sqft, 2 bedroom apt that already has 4 people living in it. I lasted about 10 days before deciding to come home. I'm not sure I gave it a good chance, but those living arrangements just got to me I think. Plus I was so homesick, that I couldn't imagine staying there. So now I'm home, looking for a new job, broke as a joke. Ha.

However, something positive did come out of this. The lease on their apt is up in the fall, and they have decided to get a house with way more space, and I have decided to try again once the living arrangements have changed a little bit. So, for now, I am back at home and struggling still with debilitating migraines and being jobless, with no insurance to be able to do anything about them. I'll live, and I will thrive no matter where I am.


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May 14, 2014

Test Results And Other Randomness

I got a voicemail from my doctor's office today, cause my phone is a piece of crap that has no service in my house(that just started). I have never had this much trouble with my phone sending texts and making and receiving phone calls. I'm not sure if it is something with my phone, or with the cell tower closest to me, but it is getting so dang frustrating.

Anyway, since I went off on a tangent, let me get back on subject here, test results! I got a phone call from my doctor's office that let me know my results from my ultrasound.

Lyme disease? Negative!
Kidney issues? Negative!
Liver issues? Negative!

Everything is normal and I am healthy! I am so very thankful!

I am so glad I don't have to give my family bad news about my health!

So, anyway, Opie and I have been having issues the past few days. He has been growling and barking at everything. Including our other dogs, 2 of which were here before he was. It isn't constant, but it is enough that I have noticed it is worse than it has ever been. I am looking into training classes and obedience classes for him. Has anyone had any experiences with these classes? Good or bad? I would love it if Cesar Milan could come take care of him, but I ain't rollin' in money so I can't do all that! Haha. So, Cesar, if you see this, please come help me with my hellian! I have tried training him, but he is stubborn and would rather not do something than to do it and get a treat. I have tried everything I know to do to help him and nothing is working. I am ready to pull my hair out!

Speaking of hair, since my last post, I have had to cut another 2-3 inches off my hair cause I fried it and turned it green and purple. It was rough. But luckily, I was able to get it fixed the next morning, so it only stayed like that for about 12 hours. I didn't take any pictures of it and I haven't taken any pictures of my new color and style yet. I used snapchat to show it off and those didn't save, so whatever. Haha.

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May 5, 2014

Tests

I got a call from my doctor's office a couple weeks ago and they said my liver function is up. I asked what that meant and they said nothing yet but they want to recheck me. Well, I went today to be rechecked and I told them I had been bitten by a tick so they are also testing for Lyme Disease. The dr told me that he is scheduling me for an ultrasound on my liver on Friday. I haven't worried about anything throught all of this but I am worried now. I am absolutely scared to death.

I'm a worrier anyway, and this is making my worry meter go through the roof. I'm not sure how many people, if any, read this. But if you do, could you say a quick prayer for me and let me know. If you don't pray, then send me all the good thoughts you can spare. My family doesn't even know about this yet. I don't want them to worry like I am having to. This sucks but hopefully it is nothing. My fingers and arms and legs and toes are crossed.

April 8, 2014

Tuesday Tangent

This post is gonna be scattered and all over the place, but bear with me.

I finally got my blog redone and I love it. Kaylie did such a good job on it. She gave me exactly what I wanted.

I am finally working on a post with all the pictures from vacation, but I have a ton of pictures and quite a few stores from the beach, so it is coming along, but slowly.

I really want to join up with a swap with Candra from camoandlipstick.blogspot.com, but I'm just not sure I want to yet. I think it would help me get to know some other bloggers and make friends in the blogging world, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet.

I'm kinda worried about my pup Opie. He has never peed in his cage that he sleeps in and the last 2 times I have put him in there, I have had to clean his cage out because he has peed in it. I'm not sure what is going on with him or what.
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April 2, 2014

Cheater, Cheater

Ok. So the cheater? I woke up to a text from him this morning. I haven't heard from him since a few days before I left for Florida. To kinda give you a time frame, I left for Florida on March 8th and got back on the 15th. He texted to see if I was awake first, which I wasn't. The next message said "Look I'm only writing to say I'm sorry. I did you dirty and said some hasty things. You did nothing wrong and I'm sorry for how I treated you. You deserved better. Have a nice life. "
I didn't say anything back, but here is how I feel about it. Hell yes I deserve better than his sorry no good piece of trash ass. So do his wife and son. Yes, I said some things I shouldn't have, but I didn't lie to him nor did I cheat on him. I could have handled things better, I'm sure of this. But he wanted to lay the blame on me. Like I did something wrong. Texting his wife, was in my opinion, the best thing to do. We women have to stick together. I couldn't get mad at her, she was innocent. Or, she claims to be. To this day, I have no hard feelings toward her.  And I have forgiven him. Not because he apologized or deserves to be forgiven, but because my hatred toward him was doing nothing but hurting me and I am tired of hurting.

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March 7, 2014

Cheaters Suck Ass

Well, I am officially single again. I went to the boyfriend's (well, ex - boyfriend now) place on Sunday and kept seeing girls names pop up on his phone while I was there. I also found a tampon in his bathroom trash, so I started getting more suspicious than I already was. So he fell asleep on the couch and I went through his phone. Found out that he is married and telling her that he loved her. I got up and walked out. Got a little way down the road and texted him and told him to fuck off.

The next morning I texted his wife and told her what happened. He is denying everything we ever did or had to her. Good thing I have proof. She will text me and know he is lying and ask if I have a text showing he is lying. I sure do.

Anyway, he got so mad when I told him that I told her. He seemed to believe I was going to give him a second chance to cheat on me again. But when he found out that I had talked to his wife, he turned everything around on me. Blamed me for trying to ruin his life and kept telling me this was my fault. I told him he needed to look in the mirror. I'm just glad I found out now instead of further down the road. There is a lot more to this story and I will probably add that later. But this sure does ruin my reintroduction back into dating after 3 years of being single. Here's to another 3 years. Cheers

February 15, 2014

School

As you may or may not know, I started school in January to get my prereqs so I can go to nursing school. I also work a full time job. I hate to bitch about it, but this is stressing me out. I feel like I don't have time to do anything but work, school and homework. I'm not sure how single parents do it with working, going to school and taking care of their kids. If you are one of those people I commend you! So just in case nobody had ever told you, you are amazing!

I have 3 classes this semester. Ethics 1010, Comp 1 and Math. I am ready to pull my dang hair out, but I'm just glad I didn't take a full 12 hour semester. I have got to get my time management in order and start getting stuff done before the deadline. Haha.

Anyway, only 22 days left until I leave for Florida! I am beyond excited. I haven't been on vacation since October, 2012.

That's about all the updating I have to do right now. Oh, wait, I forgot 1 thing. That guy that supposedly loves me, I haven't heard from him since Wednesday night. He didn't even text me or call me to tell me Happy Valentine's Day! Any advice?

December 24, 2013

This Or That Holiday Style

This or That Link Up

I'm linking up with Candra again for the This or That Link Up!

It is Christmas Eve and I am at work for another hour and a half. This is the last This or That link-up and it is about my favorite holiday! Which is tomorrow. I am finally getting in the Christmas spirit. It happened about an hour ago. I have been pretty Scrooge-ish this year. But anyway, on to the questions.

Holiday Style

Halloween or Thanksgiving
Definitely Thanksgiving! I just love being with most of my family and just hanging out and talking.

Christmas or Your Birthday
Both. I can't choose just one on this one. My birthday is special because of course it was the day I was born. But Christmas is special because it is the day Jesus Christ was born. He came to earth to serve one purpose. To save our souls from hell. So they are both very, very special days.

Visiting Relatives or Your Relatives Visiting
How about neither? Either way I get banished from my bed so heck to the no! But I would rather visit my relatives because then I can choose when to leave instead of being the bad guy and kicking people out! Haha

Valentines Day or St.Patrick's Day
Ha. Both are just days to me. So it doesn't matter, but I'll choose St. Patrick's Day because I hate seeing all the mushy stuff all over everything when it is time for Valentines Day.

Black Friday or Cyber Monday.
Black Friday. I love online shopping, but I am usually an instant gratification person so I hate waiting on things to get here. I would rather have it the minute I pay for it.

December 10, 2013

This Or That

I'm linking up with Candra at Camo and Lipstick

This or That Link Up


Fashionable snow boots or Practical snow boots
I'm going to have to go with practical. Although down here in good ole Southeast TN we don't get very much snow.


Hat or Ear Muffs
Hat or ear warmers. No thanks on those fluffy balls sticking out of the side of my head


Snowed in or Playing out in the snow
Well, I can't be snowed in due to my job. We don't get snow days there. So playing in the snow.





Sledding or Snow Tubing
I've never been snow tubing but I would love to go.


Almost winter or Winter’s almost over
Winter's almost over most definitely. I am not a cold weather person!

July 10, 2013

Sisters

On Monday, July 8, 2013, I got a brand new niece. My older sister had another little girl. She was born at 0754, and she weighed 9lbs, 7oz and is 20 inches long. She is absolutely beautiful, and she is such a little chunk. I am so excited to see the relationship develop between those 2 precious baby girls. I'm so glad they have each other. There is nothing like the relationship between sisters.
I also have a prayer request. My sister and baby A.B. were supposed to be released from the hospital today, but my sister is having panic attacks pretty bad and we don't know if she will get to come home today. I am headed down to see her in just a few minutes, so hopefully she will be feeling better and her doctor will be ok with releasing her.

June 5, 2013

Pinterest project part 2

Here are the things I used for my pinterest project. That post is below.

I also used an unfinished S as my base. It was just raw wood and I didn't sand it down or anything. I think have maybe $20 in the whole project and I had to buy everything. I found the flowers and the buttons on the clearance rack.

Pinterest Project

So a few months ago my friend Brittany called me and told me we needed a wine and craft night. I was all for it, but if you know me at all, then you know I am not a crafty person at all. I also didn't have any idea of a project that I wanted to do, so I did what most of us would do. I got on pinterest. So I was looking through pinterest on my phone as we are riding to Hobby Lobby and I find this. I was so excited, but then I realized the link went to an ETSY shop, not a blog that gives intructions. I showed it to Brittany and she said we didn't need instructions and that we could do it.

I don't have any before pictures and I still don't have the burlap put on that I am going to hang it by. I didn't turn out exactly like the one on the ETSY shop, but I am extremely happy with how it turned out. It may turn me into a crafty person yet.

A few words of advice though. Always paint the lighter color as the base color. I painted the grey first and it took about 6 good thick coats of the yellow to cover the grey completely. I also just used regular scotch tape which worked well for me.

I just painted the entire letter grey and let it dry completely before I taped it off, then I started on the yellow. But here are the pictures I did take. Please excuse the blurry cell phone pictures. I didn't have my camera with me.



This was my inspiration




This is my S after the grey had dried and I had taped it off and started painting the yellow.


Paint dry and untapped!!!


Almost complete!! All that is left to do is the burlap to hang it by!


I bought all of the stuff to make it at Hobby Lobby. I got the flowers in the scrapbook section and that is a button in the middle of the yellow flower and I got it off the clearance rack in the fabric section. I got 3 buttons for $.98. I absolutely love it. I chose to do my first name because I still want to be able to use it after I get married.

September 24, 2012

Random

Sometimes I feel like such a loser. My 2 older siblings are married and one of them has a baby. My little sister, who is 16, has officially found the love of her life and is looking at wedding dresses and looking forward to spending the rest of her life with her boyfriend, and then there is me. I'm feeling so lonely. I don't want to, and I try my best not to, but I just can't help it.

I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I know I'm not, but I'm at the point now where I can't wait to get married and have kids, but I feel so lonely because all of my siblings are all paired off and I just kinda hang out with my parents. I don't really have any friends besides my sisters, so that makes the loneliness even worse.

But anyway, enough of the depressing stuff. One of my last posts I made was about my dog Chip that I had to put down due to paralysis. I said that I never wanted to go through that again and that I would never have another dog. Well, that didn't last long. I got a Chihuahua mix about a week before my birthday in July. I saw him, and I absolutely fell in love. I named him Opie, and he is absolutely adorable. He is a pest, but that is just part of his puppy stage.

And on another note, what is it with guys that are jerks? I am so over guys that want to be a jerk to me!!!

July 13, 2012

Through A Rapist's Eyes

I knew most of this already but figured I would pass it on.

”THROUGH A RAPIST’S EYES” (Please take the time to read this. it may save a life.) Reblog this!

It seems that alot of attackers use some tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a situation. Everyone should read this especially each n every girl in this world. THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD INFO TO PASS ALONG…

FYI - Through a rapist’s eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

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POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh -HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

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FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ….

I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some, where you will go “hmm I must remember that” After reading forward it to someone you care about, never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) . b. If you! u are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.

If u have a heart or compassion reblog this post. ‘Helping hands are better than Praying Lips’ – give us your helping hand.

REBLOG THIS AND LET EVERY GIRL KNOW ATLEAST PEOPLES WILL KNOW WATS GOIN IN THIS WORLD. So please reblog this….Your one reblog can Help to spread this information.

July 11, 2012

Who Am I?

I read this via another person's blog and truly believe we are repeating history in the worst kinda way.

Please read this line by line (do not speed read or scan) to the very end.


Who am I?

I was born in one country; raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women. I became very close to my mother as my father showed no interest in me.

Although my father deserted me and my mother raised me, I later wrote a book idolizing my father -- not my mother.
Later in life, questions arose over my real name. My birth records were sketchy. No one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.

I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my new country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs and didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them. That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and embarked on a new career.

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs, that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child. I became active in local politics in my 30's, then, with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene in my 40's as a candidate for national office.

They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization.
Yet, I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks. I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy. I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country. But, what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy.

I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better, and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.  I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks and corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them and, if they became envious of those who did well, the plan was clinched tight.

I called my plan "A People's Campaign." That sounded good to everyone. I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.

I knew that if I merely offered the people 'hope,' together we could change our country and the world. So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor and ignorant to include "persecuted minorities."

My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown until after I became my nation's leader. I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed if they had simply read my writings and examined those people with whom I associated. I'm glad they didn't. I had the press with me.
Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And then the world learned the truth.

Who am I?






















My name is ADOLPH HITLER.

If you were thinking of SOMEONE ELSE, you should be scared -- very scared!

June 5, 2012

Chip

I miss you Chip. You were the best friend and companion a girl could have asked for. We found out Wednesday, May 23 that you were paralyzed from your 5th vertebrae down. You had been in pain for a week before that and started screaming in pain on Saturday night. We rushed you to the emergency vet clinic and they gave you a shot and sent us home. I prayed so hard for God to heal you because I wasn't ready to give you up yet. We took you back on Sunday night, and they decided to keep you so they could give you pain and muscle relaxer shots all night. I cried and prayed all night, then I realized I was praying wrong. So I gave you to God, then I felt a sort of peace. I picked you up Monday morning and took you starlight to our vet. She told me that it looked promising that she could fix you. She kept you until Wednesday when she did another examination on you. She called mom with the bad news. Dad rushed home to tell me. I knew as soon as I saw him that it wasn't good. I went down and saw you one last time. You laid your head on my chest and just loved on me. I told you how much I loved you and was gonna miss you. I just hugged you, and cuddled you one last time. I smelled you, and rubbed your fur. Looked into your expressive eyes and I knew you were done. You were tired and didn't want to hurt anymore. Dad was with me and he told you the same thing. I was proud of myself for not breaking down in front of you. I knew I had to stay strong for you. We told the vet that we knew what had to be done, we just didn't want to know the exact time.

We brought your body home on Thursday and buried you. I still miss you every single day. I have your collar around my rear view mirror so I have a daily reminder of you.

Chip, you were my best friend for almost 9 years and I will miss you every single day of my life. I love you little buddy.















March 18, 2012

Depression

I found this on another blog and had to post it because it just seems to fit my life to a T

Let me introduce you to my best friend.

His/her name is Nobody. Nobody tends to always be there, reminding me He/She is there. Nobody really enjoys my company. He/She tags along with everything I do. It is really weird, Nobody knows my thoughts. It is like when I am having a bad day, Nobody knows instantaneously I need a shoulder to cry on. Nobody completely understands everything I deal with. When I am going through on of those days, Nobody just listens. Nobody is so great He/She will walk around the grocery store with me, just to get me out of the house. He/She absolutely loves following me around. Even when I do not want Nobody there, do not even fret...Nobody always finds His/Her way to my side. Nobody reminds me every day about the love He/She feels for me. Nobody wants to make sure I know there is something worth waking up to each day. Nobody is so sweet, He/She even sends me "Sweet dream" texts around bedtime. Every day, I know Nobody will be following me in my journey.

Obviously, this story is a little skewed. I do not in any way feel this way, this very second.

There is this disease running rampant. The plague of Nobody. I am sitting in a high spot, not high, maybe almost high, but being realistic about a crash coming soon. Explaining how "Nobody" runs wild throughout my thoughts is difficult. It is really hard on low/bad days to believe anybody is there. It is maddening trying to convince myself there is somebody, somewhere willing to just listen.

The disease of "Nobody" is extremely real. Not every day there is a worthless feeling. Not every day do I think there is no one loving me. Some days I think the whole world cannot get enough of what I have to offer. Other days I think everyone wishes I would crawl into a hole and vanish.

There is peace in the friendly text message, "I'm thinking of you." There is comfort in the friendly smile from the stranger at work. There is hope that someday "Nobody" and I will quit our friendship. One day, we will go our separate ways. I will find peace in knowing I beat "Nobody".

As of right now, there is no cure for the disease "Nobody" that plagues me with. There is no definite feel better drug, person, exercise, or tool that will ever take "Nobody" completely away.

All I know is, someday, I actually hope to acquire the disease I will call "Somebody".

October 8, 2011

Niece

So, I had a new niece born on October 4, 2011. She is beautiful. E.A was 8lbs, 4oz, and 20 in long. Such a big, sweet baby. My sister had some issues with her blood pressure, so they decided to take the baby a week early. We are extremely glad they did! She was born via c-section because my sister wasn't dialating very good and the Pitocin they had her on was making the baby's heart rate drop... But mom and baby are doing great. They came home on Thursday around 8:30pm. So glad they are home and both are doing great!
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