Rock Bottom

There is a disease I suffer with called depression. I usually feel like I have a handle on it without medicine, I feel mentally strong. There are other times however, like now, that I struggle with it more than ever.

I aways feel like right as I get a handle on life, on being happy, it sets in again. It sets in that my life is not what I wish it were. I have chronic migraines, wich I feel like are possibly connected to my depression, my depression causes me to lose all motivation, which causes me to be over-weight, which causes my depression to become worse. It is a never ending vicious cycle.

I want more than anything to be able to give all of this to God and let Him guide me through. And I do, but then I take it back. I do that constantly. I give it all up and tell God to please take all of these things from me, to please heal my depression, and my migraines, and to please help me lose weight and get healthy. For me, for my family, for my future. Then I take it back (unintentionally). I have always felt like I bear all of life's burdens on my own. I have always tried to shield my family from my burdens, when in all reality, that's what family is for. To help you shoulder those things so they don't break you down.

God wants me to give Him these things and stop taking them back. He wants me to rely on my family and Him. Especially now, when I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I am in constant turmoil, emotional pain, physical pain, and I am struggling so much spiritually. I saw a picture a couple of days ago that really got me thinking. It said "I want the presence of God or I don't want anything at all to do with religion... I want all that God has or I don't want any.". That's how I feel about it. I really do want everything that God has to give me, to bless me with. I will never have that in my current state of mind. I will never have that until I humble myself at His feet and give Him everything I have. Which in all reality, isn't much, but it is all that He asks.

Deep down, I know HOW to do it. I know exactly WHAT I need to do. Actually doing it though? That is so hard to completely give up everything that makes you comfortable, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am comfortable with my depression, and my fat. It's all I've known. I have had depression for the past 12 years, and I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I don't really remember what it was like to be truely happy. I know my parents tell me that before the depression, I always had a smile on my face and I was a complete joy to be around. I wish I could go back to that, for them, and for me. As comfortable as the suffering is, I think happiness, and I mean TRUE happiness, would be even better.

I WANT to lose the weight, I want to be in a single size pants, I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be completely disgusted by what I see. I want all of these things, and I am willing to work for them, but I am so, absolutely scared of it. I'm scared that I will still hate what I see when I look in the mirror, I'm scared that I will still feel repulsive. I'm scared that even being skinny, and healthy will not help my self esteem and happiness level.

This is complete honesty, this is complete openness, and this is complete rock bottom for me. I don't know how much more I can take.

I'll close with this. I can't do this on my own. I can't even draw my next breath on my own. I can't stand on my own. I am on my knees again tonight, giving it all to God. Giving it to Him all over again, in hopes and prayers that this time will be the time I leave it all at His feet.

Not I, but Christ.

Big Move

Good grief, it has been a while. A lot has happened since my last post. I got moved to a new job with the same company in July, about an hour away from home. My brother in law got offered a promotion at work that would move him, my sister (best friend), and my 2 nieces to Plano, TX. That is about 850 miles away from our little hometown here in Southeast TN. My heart was absolutely broken that I was "losing" them. It was the hardest thing I've done in a while, saying bye to them as they were leaving. I was hugging my sister and telling her bye while I was squalling, and my oldest niece, E.A, walked by and said "Mommy, Sarah don't feel good. Her's crying." I broke down all over again. When I was hugging the girls, and telling them bye, they both looked at me like I was crazy for crying like that, especially A.B., the baby.

I have been telling my mom, for as long as I can remember, that I wanted to live in TX. I talked to my sister and brother in law about moving with them in December, which, I did not do. I worked a while longer and decided that I would move in March. So I put in my 2 weeks notice at work and made a leap of faith. I moved to Texas like I had always dreamed about. It was my first time moving further than about a half a mile from my parents. I had never even been away from home for longer than a week, and that was just for a vacation. By the end of that vacation, I was so home sick and ready to be home.

I'm not sure what I was thinking, moving me and Opie 850 miles away, to a 1000 sqft, 2 bedroom apt that already has 4 people living in it. I lasted about 10 days before deciding to come home. I'm not sure I gave it a good chance, but those living arrangements just got to me I think. Plus I was so homesick, that I couldn't imagine staying there. So now I'm home, looking for a new job, broke as a joke. Ha.

However, something positive did come out of this. The lease on their apt is up in the fall, and they have decided to get a house with way more space, and I have decided to try again once the living arrangements have changed a little bit. So, for now, I am back at home and struggling still with debilitating migraines and being jobless, with no insurance to be able to do anything about them. I'll live, and I will thrive no matter where I am.

Test Results And Other Randomness

I got a voicemail from my doctor's office today, cause my phone is a piece of crap that has no service in my house(that just started). I have never had this much trouble with my phone sending texts and making and receiving phone calls. I'm not sure if it is something with my phone, or with the cell tower closest to me, but it is getting so dang frustrating.

Anyway, since I went off on a tangent, let me get back on subject here, test results! I got a phone call from my doctor's office that let me know my results from my ultrasound.

Lyme disease? Negative!
Kidney issues? Negative!
Liver issues? Negative!

Everything is normal and I am healthy! I am so very thankful!

I am so glad I don't have to give my family bad news about my health!

So, anyway, Opie and I have been having issues the past few days. He has been growling and barking at everything. Including our other dogs, 2 of which were here before he was. It isn't constant, but it is enough that I have noticed it is worse than it has ever been. I am looking into training classes and obedience classes for him. Has anyone had any experiences with these classes? Good or bad? I would love it if Cesar Milan could come take care of him, but I ain't rollin' in money so I can't do all that! Haha. So, Cesar, if you see this, please come help me with my hellian! I have tried training him, but he is stubborn and would rather not do something than to do it and get a treat. I have tried everything I know to do to help him and nothing is working. I am ready to pull my hair out!

Speaking of hair, since my last post, I have had to cut another 2-3 inches off my hair cause I fried it and turned it green and purple. It was rough. But luckily, I was able to get it fixed the next morning, so it only stayed like that for about 12 hours. I didn't take any pictures of it and I haven't taken any pictures of my new color and style yet. I used snapchat to show it off and those didn't save, so whatever. Haha.

Tests

I got a call from my doctor's office a couple weeks ago and they said my liver function is up. I asked what that meant and they said nothing yet but they want to recheck me. Well, I went today to be rechecked and I told them I had been bitten by a tick so they are also testing for Lyme Disease. The dr told me that he is scheduling me for an ultrasound on my liver on Friday. I haven't worried about anything throught all of this but I am worried now. I am absolutely scared to death.

I'm a worrier anyway, and this is making my worry meter go through the roof. I'm not sure how many people, if any, read this. But if you do, could you say a quick prayer for me and let me know. If you don't pray, then send me all the good thoughts you can spare. My family doesn't even know about this yet. I don't want them to worry like I am having to. This sucks but hopefully it is nothing. My fingers and arms and legs and toes are crossed.